Tuesday, August 27

Mommy Rant: We're not ready for daycare!

I registered Zac in daycare this week, and I left the place in tears.
I'm not ready for this!

I realize that I am incredibly fortunate to live where I live. A place where every mother (or father) is granted a full year of paid maternity leave. It's truly amazing and I am indeed truly grateful.

As my year draws to an end, I can't help but feel that it is simply not long enough.
Zac is still so young. Still so dependent on me. And although I have moments where I can't believe how much of a little boy he is becoming, he is, in fact, still a baby.

I know this may sound very spoiled of me. I know that may mothers have to put their babies in daycare at much younger ages. But still, I'm having a really hard time with this.

It doesn't help that there are no great child care options available up north.
I've heard horror stories from other mothers about the daycare up here, and while I know they're just stories, I'm still terrified.

Zac has been super clingy these days. Maybe it's separation anxiety. Maybe he knows that our full days together are numbered. He's always holding onto my pant legs, clinging to my ankles, grasping my finger with his whole hand and refusing to let go. 
He's just not ready for daycare.
And I'm clearly not ready either.

On a personal level, I'm totally ready to go back to work. I miss the mental and social stimulation. I miss adult conversation. But I'm not the same person I was before maternity leave. I don't think for myself anymore. A huge part of my brain seems eternally devoted to the wellbeing of my child - like nothing in the entire world matters more than his happiness. 
And I wish more than anything that I could stay home with him another year. Stay home another year  for him... until he's a bit older, a bit tougher, and can fend for himself a little more.
He's still such a mamma's boy, and I am just heartbroken by the thought of leaving him under a stranger's care.

Everyone gets through this, right? I guess we will too.
Zac will survive. I will survive.
... I hope.


sweet harvest moon said...

I don't have children but I completely understand.

What about a nanny?


Diana Mieczan said...

Aww...I bet it's very natural to feel this way, sweetie. Wish i could give you a hug right now:) Just look at that adorable smile...He melts my heart! xoxo

Lady Grey said...

We've been looking for a nanny up here, but haven't found anyone yet. Most people who come up to live as remotely as this usually come for work, so everyone already has a job.
We could always hire a private nanny from down south and fly her up here.... I guess that's what we will have to do if the daycare doesn't work out.
We'll see!

Natalie said...

Hes such a lucky boy to have such a caring mama. It'll of course be tough on both of you but you'll both benefit too - you get your work self back and he'll get to experience being his own person away from you. Hang in there! Hope it goes smoothly and if not, I can help with the great nanny search!

sweet harvest moon said...

I volunteer ;)

Hopefully, those 'horror' stories are just silly stories and everything will turn out ok.


k said...

awww this is so sad!!!! i know what you mean though, i am getting to ease in by working part time but it was still pretty awful walking away those first few times. luckily, he seems to love it. and i soothe myself by remembering that the extra social stimulation is SO good for him...learning to listen to other adults and playing with other kids, etc.
wesley has been clingy lately too! i kind of like it, haha :) getting some extra hugs.